003 - On Stuff & Nothingness
We don’t always have to find something to do. Watch the clouds and just be.
Hi everyone. It’s been a while. I hope you are enjoying today's sunshine and feeling a flicker of hope in its rays.
I woke up this morning sipping my coffee and thinking about my day and silence and the spaciousness that it allows. We are so conditioned to filling space with stuff or sound or action or usefulness of something to enter the empty space. Are we really afraid and uncomfortable by the nothingness?
This got me thinking about the fact that I’m currently in my 6th hard lock-down since last year and I haven’t really done anything or achieved any new skills. I haven’t become expert home chefs or bakers. I haven’t made any pottery or paintings or knitted a hat or made my own rug. I’m not learning new languages. I most certainly am not getting in shape (if anything I gained 5kgs thanks) and I’m definitely not writing a novel like Shakespeare.
Now that I’m on my phone a lot more than usual, I’m being bombarded with people sharing things they have done on social media, what home project they have finished, what they have cooked for dinner, and what new skill they have learnt. To be entirely honest, a part of me feels this throb of jealousy and guilt that I may not be spending my “extra time” as productively as others. I don’t do anything specifically new other than reading countless books or watching/re-watching TV shows. A part of me feels a bit like a failure.
Not helpful that as a Sagittarius (yup I’m one of those people who put the blame on my zodiac sign), I have this obsession in my life to do things. I have always had this desire inside of me to try everything. I have to be able to achieve this, I have to experience that, I have to know these people, I have to go to that place. I set schedules over and over. I will rise at 7. Drink coffee. Journal. Walk around the hood. Watch this. Read that. Listen to this podcast while taking a walk, and so on. My mind is always thinking about what I need to be doing now, or doing next, or should have done earlier. It’s a constant battle of time. I feel like I’m running a race that I can’t finish.
But let's just be honest with each other, the past year has been full of pain and grief. We have witnessed death and violence and disaster in plain view. We have endured intense personal feelings of isolation and depression. We have experienced immense loss. Everyday we are being overwhelmed with a storm of anxiety-inducing news and then on top of that, there is this push of thinking for “making the most” of our (alleged) “extra time” or a demand to get things done. Excuse my French, but how the fuck are we able to do that?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to use “being in the midst of a global pandemic” as an excuse card to not be productive or doing nothing. The point of this is to a general everyday life, not just during a pandemic. I’m also aware that there’s not necessarily a one-size-fits-all approach in this, that people deal with stuff differently. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being productive. Keeping busy or being creative and finding stuff to do to distract yourself from all the chaos in this rapidly degenerating planet. If that works for you, then good for you. But some people don’t. We need to remember that we all live different lives and have different reasons for doing things. It’s definitely not working for me and that's totally, totally, totally okay.
We live in a society based on speed and productivity that moving slowly or doing nothing is considered a radical act. We have this attachment to hierarchy and the desire to not be at the bottom of it. We are worshiping at the altar of hustle — that every minute of our lives must be commodified toward profit and self-improvement. Like, I’m on a walk, and I have this thought that I should listen to this podcast while I walk so that I’ve become more informed or a better person. I’m not saying that we are not allowed to take a walk while listening to a podcast. But why can’t we just take a walk and absorb our surroundings and just be?
I myself was never a fan of meditating. My anxious mind grew more anxious whenever I tried to observe or acknowledge it. However, there is this thing I would like to do instead every day. I would stare out a window, watching the cloud, a tree, or a bird perched silently on the building across from me. I would listen to Truth Hurts by Lizzo on repeat without thinking of anything in particular. While waiting for my coffee in the morning, I would stand and watch the filter drip-drip-drip into the cup. When I’m on public transportation, I would put away my phone or book and just stare through the window, speckled with dust and droplets of water and watch the street move past me. I would have a wine in my hand and dancing on my own to Robyn. I would sit in a park and watch people and dogs go by. It’s simply let myself sit in the nothingness.
I know it can be somewhat challenging to just do nothing and be, especially if we are wired to do something all the time. My idea of “relaxing” most of the time is actually involved scrolling through social media. (The irony of this statement did not escape me). I guess the whole point of my rambling is that I’m not trying to convince you that being lazy is worthwhile but we shouldn’t be beating ourselves up for not being productive. If you have set goals and haven’t gotten around to starting them, it’s okay. If you haven’t made banana bread that every person on Instagram seems to be making, that’s absolutely fine. Perhaps you just want to spend the whole day watching your favorite movies in bed, then please do that. Instead of feeling guilty that you have to do something because you’ll be wasting your time if you don’t, please try to focus on how you are feeling. Do whatever it is that you need to do to get through the day. Who cares if it’s not something creative or productive. You are not wasting your time.
I understand that it feels as if time is moving too fast and that we don’t have much time in a day. I understand that we want to make the best of our life, but we all deserve to give ourselves a break to sit in the nothingness, to just be and do nothing. Take more naps. Sit by the window and watch the sunset. Be unproductive.
I know it takes a lot of courage. But give it a try, and see what happens. Let me know.
Love always, Gita
✿✿✿ some cool stuff to brighten your day ✿✿✿
🌸 I have been dreaming of a blazing blue sky. A bright, warm sun against my skin. Dips in the clean water. A beer at sunset on the beach. In the meantime, I’m blasting this playlist until summer comes sooner.
🌼 In line with the theme of this newsletter, I just finished Small Joys of Real Life by Allee Richards. A really lovely and tender read about selfishness and selflessness and adulthood. The everyday experiences of obsessing about things, living in the moment, the beauty in tiny, real moments in life. Also, northern Melbourne (my suburb!) as the backdrop is visibly represented!
🌺 Honestly, my highlight of NYFW this year!
🌷Came across this show by accident and binged the whole series in one sitting. Set in the not too distant future, where a viral plague wiped out ALL MEN (yup yup yup!!!) in just 30 days. Leading to a new world order designed and run entirely by women. It’s like a gender-flipped Handmaid’s Tale. This is Kiwi apocalyptic comedy gold. So brilliant and charming. Please watch it!!!
🌹167 things to do alone after the sun goes down by Marlee Grace.